COVID-19 Thoughts: I'm *not* OK

When I started this blog, my plan was to walk you through the many different ways we will build our stonewall. A stonewall built on pieces of life. A stonewall built of memories, experiences and all things YOU that God has given us to walk through. Its like having your testimony built around you against the enemy when he comes prowling to attack your "city". Such the little philosopher I planned to be, to let yall know that life is messy, and to be patient if your wall isn't built in a day. A month. A year. But honestly...I think my wall is struggling.

When COVID-19 came along, I planned for a quick self-quarantine in my house with 9 other people I call family. It would be a loud and crazy time to build relationships! And it has been such a blessing to spend quality time with my siblings. But then I got hit hard. I'm always busy, always in motion, always with somewhere I need to be. Instead in this Corona crisis, I was laid off from both of my jobs. My world, which I thought would be fine after a few weeks, crumbled. Now here I am still: unemployed and lonely in my loud, energetic and fast-paced household. I cry myself to sleep at night after hours of laying awake. I try and do everything I can around the house, all the while complaining, jokingly, that my car is going to disown me for not running her all over creation like I would be doing this time of year. I try to be strong and not seem like COVID bothers me. Because it shouldn't! I don't have bills waiting to be paid, a household to run or anything to worry over. Yet here I am. It's a scary place to be, y'all.

And I'd bet I'm not the only here right now.



Honestly, in all this mess we're living through, God is sure teaching me about trust. Have you ever heard the story of the little girl who learned to trust her daddy from a very young age? The dad started by asking his daughter to jump into his arms from a small distance. Maybe from the chair to his arms. Then we went to the counter, and stepped away. He kept going for higher and farther away, but still, the girl jumped every time. I think the moral of the story was that he wanted his daughter to know he would always catch her, because someday it would make the difference. 

We people only trust when we want to. Will this chair hold me up? Will this store have what I need? Will my new friend stay loyal? We are always waiting for a reason to not put full faith in something or someone. And if you deny that, think of any time you have salted your food before tasting it. Or double checked someone's work. Or twisted the cap one more time, just to be sure. We people hate trusting anything! And now I know why. Trust requires us to FULLY let go. Like the little girl who jumped to her daddy: she couldn't waver wondering if daddy would catch her, or she'd fall for sure. She just KNEW he'd catch her. Every single time.

God is the same way. He wants us to jump: literally throw ourselves into his waiting arms and give up trusting in just ourselves. Surrendering to God is so freeing, cause He will catch us, every single time. He literally says in Matthew 11:28--"Come to me all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." I know this to be true (besides the fact that its from the Bible) because He has caught me many, many times. Only this time...I'm looking down. I'm wavering. I'm. not. jumping.

God took away so much that made me comfortable: the schedule I kept, the work I kept busy with. Everything I had been planning for months is just gone! Its like God is asking me to not trust in work, in busyness, in my routine, my ability to go see the friends whom I miss SO MUCH.....but instead trust Him. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't struggling. I can't wait for the day when I'll be happy to report that this stone has finally been placed in my wall; to be able to look back on the 2020 pandemic knowing I learned to Fully Rely On God (F.R.O.G. for my friends who need the reminder). But I'm not there yet. I'm still crying. I'm still growing. I'm still asking my Daddy for the courage to jump.

Through all of this, though, I'm learning, and I'm thankful. I'm thankful for family. I'm thankful for the friends whom I count as family. And I'm thankful for my Lord and Savior, whom is giving me more love and grace than I deserve. 

So I'm here to tell you it's OK to not be OK. But use this time to find out if you're jumping, or standing on the edge wavering, like me. I know it's not a fun place to be. But I'm accepting, finally, that that's where I am. And its OK.